The Art Of Saying NO
Raise your hand if you have ever said yes when you really wanted to say no. Almost every person reading this right now has struggled with saying no at least once in their life. For so many of us, saying no feels impossible. Saying yes when you want to say no is self-sacrificing. Living a life full of yeses that need to be noes will slowly drain and deplete your will and joy over time.
Our families often teach us that it is our duty and responsibility to say yes to them and do whatever it takes no matter the cost. Some of those families say that we must also do that with strangers and every person we encounter. We are conditioned to believe this is the right way to be and live. They were also conditioned this way as children and now it is passing onto you. This way of being is often identified as being a good person. And what child doesn’t want to be thought of as good?
So, then we begin to believe that if I am not saying yes and helping others at all costs, I am bad and/or something is wrong with me. With those thoughts come feelings of guilt and shame. In a world where most of us are not taught how to manage emotions, doing anything that may trigger guilt and shame feels too dangerous. We learn to believe that to feel safe, we have to say yes every time, no matter the cost.
We all want to feel safe so, we become beings that sacrifice ourselves and take responsibility for everyone and everything. Living like this will always diminish your quality of life. These patterns are born of trauma, be that in this life and/or previous lifetimes. Part of healing this pattern is to heal the trauma.
It is important to know and remember that it is okay to say no. It is okay if you saying no to someone leaves them feeling upset. You are not responsible for their upset when you tell them no. That is their own wound being triggered. Do not take accountability for that.
After reading this, saying no is not magically going to be easy. Saying no can feel uncomfortable because it sets boundaries and asks you to stand in your power. This may be a new experience for you. Get excited about it. You will have to do the work of committing to your worthiness. You must be willing to recognize that you deserve a life of joy and happiness as much as any other person. Saying no when saying no honors your most authentic self is you owning your power and taking care of yourself. Do more of that, please.
Do not go from saying yes all of the time to saying no all of the time. The key is balance. Discernment is the tool to use to help you know the moments to say yes and the moments to say no in a way that is not self-sacrificing. Below are the steps to take in making that distinction.
Ask these questions to determine if saying yes is HONORING or SACRIFICING yourself
Do I want to do this thing?
If you do NOT want to do the thing, say no.
If you want to do the thing, ask the next question.
Do I have the time, space and/or energy?
If you want to do the thing but do NOT have the time, space and/or energy, say NO.
If you want to do the thing AND have the time, space and/or energy, ask the next question.
Will me saying yes enable this person?
If you saying yes will enable them, say no. Otherwise you are perpetuating codependency which will always be self-sacrificing.
If you want to, have the time, space and/or energy to AND you would not be enabling them, absolutely say YES!
Use the above questions as a check-in when you are unclear if your yes is self-sacrificing or if it is honoring your authentic self. There are exceptions to every rule. Please use your common sense and/or intuition to recognize when those moments are. They may be emergencies or moments with high needs that a person is incapable of taking care of themselves for whatever reason that may be. Approach each situation individually.
This work is a lifelong process that asks you to choose YOU over and over again. The more you honor you, the stronger that Self muscle gets. The stronger it gets the less likely you are to be seduced by guilt and shame into sacrificing yourself for someone else’s wellbeing.
Love is meant to be given out into the world. Please give it and share it with others. But remember, that you deserve Love too. Taking care of others is not your responsibility. If it is your desire to take care of others and be of service, do it in a way that honors you too and is not self-sacrificing. This is how the whole world gets to win.
If you need additional support working on boundaries, book an appointment w/ Dr. Matt. CLICK HERE